When I said that I was recently diagnosed with depression and a loss of self identity, I mean I found out last week. Of course the Dr that saw me and gave my tests results said I would make a good canedet for therapy. And he really appreciated how honest I was when giving questions. Uh, duh, I've been having migraines for a freaking year and would love to find out why or at least how to make them stop. Of course I'm going to be honest and tell you the truth because I want to know what's wrong with me. Otherwise, what's the sense of paying $45 for the stupid co-pay. ...Oh, did I mention that I also suffer from anxiety?
I have several good friends who will sit and listen to me, and we share and feed off each other. Which is good to have in a friendship. For the most days, I genuinely care about them and their day and what's happened in their day. Some days, I can't find the strength to even pretend that I'm the least bit interested. I feel like a bad friend, but than we all have days that don't go as we'd like them to, or expect them to.
Josh the love of my life, listens to me until he's tired of l istening to me, which it seems lately doesn't take long. I get, "I can't wait until you've had your coffee and you wake up so you stop babbleing." Or I get "Are you done yet? You've already told me this." "I got the point, and I'm tired of hearing about it." He cuts me off so he can drone on about himself and how much he dislikes the driving aspect of his job and how he's never home. If it were being upset over being away for the right reasons, like not being home with his family or to get things done around the house, I'd agree with him. But when I was sick the other weekend I over heard him tell someone online that he would be gone for a week and wouldn't be able to play the X-Box. He made it sound that he was more concrened about not playing a war game than he was about spending time with me and his children.
So I have a lot to say about my relationship with him. There is only so much I can say to my friends because their spouses are friends with him. And I can't expect them to listen week after week as I go on about him and his shortness with me while I really sit back and do nothing about it.
And than there's the problem(s) that I have with my family. I keep secrets from them because I don't want to hurt their feelings, face their disappointment, and so I can avoid any greif they give me. But the #1 thing I try and avoid is their dissappointment. When I was in highschool my brother had a drinking problem and I saw him as a gigilo. He always had strange girls calling the house and was always sneaking around on the girl he was "with." I saw the emotional pain my parents were in over his drinking and his behavior from it. And I know how dissapointed they were with him because he was dumb and would get behind the wheel. I on the other hand did decent in school, didn't get into trouble (that they know of) I feel as though I tried to strive to be better, because I never wanted to put them through what my brother put them through. And now here I am at 36 still trying to protect them. Not from outside sourses but from myself. I haven't done anything that would hurt them, or myself. But none the less they would be disappointed, and point fingers where they didn't belong. And what I hide from them isn't their business. But I still feel bad about the lies, and the dissappointment if they learned the truth. Actually, my mother would be upset that I put any of this in writting. She's a firm beleiver of the world not needing to know that I'm upset with my family.
I actually got the idea to start this blog from her. She's so impressed with a woman from her church that blogs about her children and her spiritual life, that my mother had to show me the ladies blog. "She's just so smart with her words and so funny." I only wish my mother would look at something that I wrote and would be that proud of her daughter.
So between the two people I feel guilty talking to, my boyfriend who is in a hurry for me to stop talking, and the parents that can only find dissappointment in their daughter, I find that I have no one that really listens to me.
So I guess I just answered my question. I'll be dusting off the checkbook, and getting writters cramp from all the checks I'll be writting.
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